How to Talk to Parents About Estate Planning: A Guide For Well-Meaning Adult Kids

Estate planning attorneys often encounter adult children who, with the best of intentions, want to discuss estate planning with their parents. This conversation is crucial yet delicate, balancing respect for their parents and their right to privacy with practical considerations for the future. One essential point to understand from the outset is that adult children are not entitled to what their parents have; they are entitled only to what their parents want them to have. Here’s how you can approach this sensitive topic with empathy, clarity, and respect.

Understanding the Importance of Estate Planning

Before diving into the conversation, it’s essential to understand some of the reasons why estate planning is critical. This is by no means an all inclusive list, but here are a few very important reasons to do estate planning.

1. Avoiding Unnecessary Court Involvement: A comprehensive estate plan helps avoid unnecessary conservatorship proceedings if you become unable to manage your affairs as you age or otherwise, as well as the often lengthy and costly probate process after death.
2. Minimizing Taxes and Preserving Tax Benefits: Proper planning can help minimize estate and other death taxes to the greatest while preserving available tax benefits, and leaving more of the estate for intended beneficiaries instead of the government.
3. Asset Protection: Estate planning can help protect the inheritance you leave to loved ones from divorce, lawsuits, unscrupulous creditors, and other predators – even if you are not very wealthy.
4. Asset Distribution: Clear instructions help prevent potential disputes among heirs and ensure assets are distributed as desired, and avoid placing an unnecessary burden on children who are trying to grieve their parents when they pass.

Preparing for the Conversation

1. Educate Yourself

Before approaching your parents, educate yourself about the basics of estate planning. You can familiarize yourself with estate planning documents without falling into the trap of thinking that a collection of documents is not an estate plan. Just the fact that you understand this concept will not only make you more confident but also show your parents that you are serious and informed about the topic. If you need to know more about the difference between having good documents versus having good planning, you should check out these two articles beforehand: 3 Reasons Why Most Estate Plans Fail, and Why Having a Power of Attorney Is Not Enough For Incapacity Planning: A Story to Remember.

2. Assess the Family Dynamics

Consider your family’s dynamics and history. If there are existing tensions or conflicts, think about how they might impact the conversation. In some cases, it might be helpful to involve a neutral third party, like a family counselor or mediator.

3. Choose the Right Time and Place

Timing and environment are crucial. Find a quiet, private setting where you can talk without interruptions. Avoid family gatherings or holidays when emotions may already be running high.

Initiating the Conversation

1. Express Your Intentions

Begin by expressing your concern and love. Let your parents know that your primary intention is to ensure their wishes are respected and that their affairs are in order. For example:

“Mom, Dad, I’ve been thinking about how important it is to make sure your wishes are honored and that everything is taken care of according to your desires. I want to make sure that we avoid any unnecessary stress or confusion in the future. And while it is really hard for me to even think about it, I know that you won’t always be with me and when that day comes, I want to be able to grieve you as well.”

2. Share Personal Stories

Sometimes, sharing stories of friends or acquaintances who faced difficulties due to lack of planning can be an effective way to highlight the importance of estate planning. For example:

“I remember Jane’s family went through a tough time because her parents didn’t have an estate plan. It caused a lot of stress and confusion. I don’t want us to go through something similar.” 

Or another common situation we see come up could result in something similar to the following:

“I remember Brendon and his family had a really hard time because his parents thought they had an estate plan when all they really had was a collection of signed estate planning documents. They had to clean up a mess because a lot of things were done incorrectly. But there was no way they could have known it because they never went to an attorney who had enough probate and estate planning experience to tell them what could go wrong given the way the documents were drafted.” 

3. Listen Actively

Be prepared to listen. Your parents may have concerns, fears, or misunderstandings about estate planning. Address their questions and provide reassurance. It’s essential to create a two-way conversation rather than a lecture. Also, understand that your role here is not that of an attorney (i.e. you should not be giving any legal advice). Your role is that of an understanding child who wants to help their parents get the solutions they need, which will often times begin with a trip to an estate planning attorney’s office.

Addressing Common Concerns

1. Fear of Losing Control

Reassure your parents that estate planning does not mean giving up control. Instead, it allows them to retain control by making their wishes known and legally binding.

“Having an estate plan ensures that your decisions are respected and that you remain in control of your assets as well as your financial and healthcare decisions.”

2. Privacy Concerns

Some parents may be uncomfortable discussing finances or personal matters. Respect their privacy and reassure them that the conversation is confidential and aimed at ensuring their wishes are honored.

3. Misconceptions About Estate Size

Many people believe that estate planning is only for the wealthy. Clarify that estate planning is essential regardless of the estate’s size, as it involves more than just financial assets.

“Estate planning is not just for the wealthy at all. It’s about making sure your wishes are honored, your healthcare preferences are followed, and that we avoid any unnecessary complications so we can focus on what really matters. Sometimes the biggest problems come up with smaller estates and the problems that come up have less to do with the assets or the amount of assets than we would expect. We know you want to make things as easy as possible on everyone and this is how we can help ensure you wishes are carried out the way you want them to be carried out.”

Professional Assistance

1. Encourage Professional Advice

Recommend seeking advice from an estate planning attorney. Professionals can provide tailored advice, ensure all legal requirements are met, and help create a comprehensive plan.

“It will be helpful to consult with an estate planning attorney who can provide expert advice and help us navigate the legal requirements. That way we can make sure we aren’t leaving stones unturned when it comes to ensuring your wishes can be carried out the way you want them to be carried out.” 

2. Involve Other Professionals

It can also be beneficial to involve financial advisors or tax professionals. If you parent has a financial advisor, an accountant, or both, they should be looped into the discussion at some point during the estate planning process. They can help ensure again that no stone is left unturned, and in the case of the financial advisor, they can help with an often overlooked yet incredibly important aspect of estate planning – integration of your parent’s assets with their estate plan. Again, please remember, your parents may not be comfortable with discussing the values of their assets with you, and this should be respected. Your knowledge (or lack thereof) of your parents’ net worth while they have capacity and are living is by no means a requirement for being able to help ensure their wishes are carried out properly when they are not.

Final Thoughts

Talking to your parents about estate planning is a challenging but necessary conversation. Remember, the goal is to ensure their wishes are honored and to prevent potential disputes or complications. Approach the discussion with empathy, respect, and patience. By preparing thoroughly and focusing on your parents’ best interests, you can help them to follow through with the creation of a comprehensive estate plan that provides real peace of mind instead of just a false sense of security.

Lastly, always remember and gently be reminded that adult children are not entitled to what their parents have; they are entitled only to what their parents want them to have. This fundamental understanding fosters and shows respect for your parents’ autonomy and their right to decide how their assets are distributed. Your parents’ estate planning is ultimately about honoring their wishes and preserving their legacy in the way they see fit, and when these discussions are had properly – specifically, with respect and empathy, there is a real opportunity to bring family even closer together.